The King of Kings...of Comedy
My Children,
As off all of you know autumn is here. And why that may mean it's time for the leaves to begin changing colors or for metrosexuals to start covering their hickey marks with scarves to all you sentimental folks out there, that only means one thing to the son of God...new hilariousness on television. Yes, the new fall TV seasons have arrived, but before we take a deeper look at the new episodes appearing on the plasmas you bought instead of supporting my various churches, we must discuss the most radical change that has occurred to the TV landscape. One of my sheep has left the flock, and...it doesn't look like he is coming back.
That's right I am talking about Michael Gary Scott, the one and only person to successfully impersonate Santa Claus and Christ himself on the same episode of a sitcom without devastating fundamentalist Christians and/or small children. And while I acknowledge Michael has made the son of God himself laugh, cry, and nod in agreement over the past 7 years, it is now time to face the fact that he is gone. Each and every one of us has to move on. And...what we are moving on to might not be such a pretty sight.
Andy Bernard has taken over as regional manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. And while the Nard Dog might be one of the funniest and best dressed characters in the history of The Office, anyone who has seen the new season knows...it just isn't the same. The show has come to rely on sentimental feeling and non-funny emotion like Jim's love for his wife/daughter/unborn child or Andy proving to himself that he can handle the pressure of being regional manager of the most prominent fictional, mid-sized paper company in the Northeast. Which, pardon my french, is Bullshit.
I mean how can you replicate the politically incorrect comments that made Michael a legend? How can you recreate Michael's awkward exchanges that simultaneously made us want to laugh and puncture our eardrums so we wouldn't have to suffer through the socially awkward pain of listening to him anymore? How do you integrate hot boob jobs that can make someone like Jan look like a decently paid porn star, without having Michael in the storyline? You can't. When Andy calls Oscar a "cocker spaniel" because he is a Mexican who loves penis (not that there's anything wrong with that) it doesn't work. It isn't the same. And it never will be.
Now, think about this. Can any of you out there name the second Pope of my church? Has anyone ever said "I can't wait to meet St. Linus (was the 2nd pope a saint? I honestly don't know...you tell me) at the pearly gates" when thinking about their possible entrance to heaven? Of course not. It's 2011 and no one knows who the hell this Linus character is. And I'm afraid in the year 4011 no one will know who (whom?) Andy Bernard is either. And that's a shame. Michael Scott may live on forever, but it has become painfully clear that his show will not. The Office may not yet be dead, but it's dying. And that's something even Christ himself cannot put a stop too. Stupid free will.
Weekly Awards
(Each week Comedy Jesus will provide various awards to honor the best and the worst in TV comedy)
Best of the Best
Jesus Christ "I'll Die on a Cross to Make you Laugh" Superstar OTW: Rum Ham, It's Always Sunny
God created ham. God created rum. But it took a genius like Frank Reynolds (Danny Devito) to infuse the two into a 90 proof, honey glazed, chunk of meat that will simultaneously fill you belly and get you f'ed up. If anything is worth dying at sea for...it's this wonderful creation. And people say human ingenuity is dead.
John the Baptist "I'll Show Up and Dunk Your Head in a River" Cameo OTW #1: Ray Romano, The Middle
Everybody Loves Raymond...that's just a good show. The Middle? Eh...it has it's moments. One of them being Ray Romano showing up in his ex-TV wife's tent on her honeymoon camping trip and fighting with the janitor in Scrubs for her affection. That's what I call historical TV irony right there.
John the Baptist Cameo OTW #2: Roy Hibbert, Parks and Recreation
How do you know when a TV show has really hit its stride? When it can make the uncoordinated starting center on the Indiana Pacers, who average a pedestrian 12.7 points and 7.5 rebounds per game, into a hilarious guest star. Yes to be fair Roy's game has improved quite a bit during his 3 years in the league, but after this performance maybe he should give up basketball and focus on comedic acting. Yeah...his 1.5 lines were that good. Besides with him, Detlef Schrempf and Aziz Ansari leading the squad...a Parks and Rec bball team is probably good enough to be the #8 seed East anyways.
Mary Magdalen "Promiscuous Girl" OTW: Whitney Cummings, Whitney.
The biggest surprise of the season so far? Whitney (the show) actually doesn't suck that much. The second biggest surprise? Whitney (the actress) is hot enough to dress up as a naughty nurse and turn on even the most chaste man of all-time (myself). The third biggest surprise? Realizing women (and men) like Whitney (the character) can be borderline sluts who get hammered drunk and sleep with dude's on the first date and still end up not being totally shitty people on TV. I mean Mary Magdalen went from being celebrated Jewish whore to a God damn Saint who is currently enjoying all you can eat hagen daz at the heaven ice cream social so, as her (and Whitney) prove...there really is hope for each and every one of you skanks out there.
Quote OTW: "You think I'd leave my gold in a locked safe buried underground where anyone could find it? You don't know me at all."
-Ron Swanson, Parks and Rec.
This is just a good point for everyone out there who doesn't trust banks and turns all their money into gold...like my boy Ron Swanson.
Comedy Jesus "Top Half-Dozen Apostles" TV Show Power Rankings
1) Parks and Recreation, NBC-Officially takes the throne from The Office and cements its status as the funniest show on television. No the show hasn't quite hit a home run yet this season, but with Leslie running for city council, Tom paying models and semi-talented/famous NBA players to hang out with him and Ron chugging pure mash liquor and defeating 2 Tammy's in one fatal swoop...Parks and Rec will be doing big things all year. Trust me...that's just a f'in fact.
2) It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, FX-What's happened on It's Always Sunny so far this year? Well (besides the glory of the rum ham you read about earlier) Charlie puked blood, a hooker died as Frank (Danny Devito) was proposing to her, we all witnessed two bums banging each other under the boardwalk at the Jersey Shore, Dennis and D smoked angel dust, robbed a liquor store and became accomplices in the murder of a doctor, and Frank talked to a mortician about banging dead bodies in front of an entire child beauty pageant the gang was hosting. Nuff said.
3) Modern Family, ABC-Always a strong contender, but I've been mildly disappointed by the show's start to the season. Too much feeling and sentiment, which is not what comedy is about. Also the whole Dylan storyline was just too ridiculous. I mean being stupid is only funny for so long, trust me I know. I was put in the special reading class in 1st grade because I opened our Hebrew book the right way and read it from left to right like I knew people would do in the future (you know...because I am Jesus?). Modern Fam is still hilarious, but it's just not in #1 or #2's class...yet.
4) The Office, NBC-Still hanging on because of Andy Bernard defacing his left butt cheek with a puppy dog tattoo and Robert California possibly being the third most charasmatic leader of all-time (behind myself...and a John F. Kennedy/Bill Clinton/Barrack Obama hybrid I am currently creating. A Catholic, unfaithful spouse who loves McDonalds and just happens to be 1/2 black? That's the future of American political leaders right there)
5) Community, NBC-As long as Chevy Chase continues making racist/gender discriminating comments...Community is on the right track. After all...I just think that sort of stuff is hilarious.
6) Workaholics, Comedy Central-Still flying under a lot of people's radar, Workaholics probably should be higher based on it's constant theme of substance abuse/how funny that theme is. However, the guys going sober in this week's episode hurt the show. I mean I turned water into wine for a GD reason fellas.
Best of the Rest
Two and a Half Men, CBS-Ashton Kutcher has been surprisingly funny as a more socially awkward/intelligent version of Michael Kelso. Add that in with cut screen time for that awkward looking man-child Jake, and 2.5 men is as strong as ever. My only problem with the new show? Charlie Sheen will never die. I can promise you all that.
The Middle, ABC-See the Ray Ramano entry above. I don't care what you all say...that is one pretty funny dude right there.
Worst of the Worst
Two Broke Girls, CBS-I know I gave Whitney Cummings some pub earlier, but this show is painful to watch. It's like The Simple Life if Paris Hilton somehow became worse at acting and Nicole Richie somehow became even less physically attractive. The fact that people, people I CREATED, actually like this show baffles me.
How I Met Your Mother, CBS-When the hell is Ted gonna meet the mother of his kids? How long can this storyline really go on? As God I know how it's gonna end...and even I am sick of it.
The Judas "I'll Stab Greatness in the Back" Comedy Traitor OTW: Barney, How I Met Your Mother
Look Neil Patrick Harris, quit trying to convince people that you aren't a 14 year-old doctor who is great at performing emergency c-sections. Embrace the type cast...and quit providing the comedy relief on a middling CBS comedy. You're better than that...we've all seen it. After all...you were the youngest M.D. who ever lived.
Back with more next week.
May Peace and Laughter Be With You,
Comedy Jesus Christos
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