Comedy Jesus Run Down: Suburgatory Just Like the Real Thing (Purgatory That Is)

My children,
As all of you should know this past week was a slow one in the world of TV comedy.  First, NBC decided to take a week of from producing new television (aka doing their jobs) which is understandable you know...since their ratings haven't been embarrassing enough yet this season or anything.  Then Modern Family decided to play the "no one knows whether this dude is gay or straight" game, which seems to be a staple of a show that leaves viewers so confused that they often end up with no idea who they are/should be sexually attracted to (arguably its biggest, and probably only, downfall).  Finally South Park followed up an all-time classic triple race sandwich with a literal stinker that revolved around little kids and Mr. Mackey crapping their pants at an elementary school?

Alright so that last one isn't all bad (hey the Son of God thinks unplanned, public defication is as funny as the next guy), but the point remains the same...this week's TV sitcoms left an awful lot to be desired.  However it is in times of hilarity weakness, times like these, where the Comedy Messiah is presented with an opportunity to see what else is out there.  And as I waded through the crappy mediocrity that is the TV comedies that God's son himself had somehow not already heard about, I had a startiling revelation.  Purgatory can be kinda of funny...if it's set in the suburbs.

Now some of you may not believe in purgatory, and I am certainly not going to drop the biggest spoiler alert in internet history by telling you all what to expect in the after life, but if you do think that the purging of your sins is an inevitable process once you die...then I got the TV show for you. 

ABC's surprise comedy hit Suburgatory tells the story of a single father who relocates himself and his teenager daughter out of the modern day Sodom and Gomorrah that is New York City and into one of the city's wholesome and morally just surrounding communities once he finds condoms in her dresser drawer (just more proof that the Catholic Church's position on contraception is indeed correct...or something like that).  What ensues is hysterical satire involving boob jobs, soccer moms, lots of money and of course...white people listening to gangster rap.  Well hysterical might be too strong a word (in fact is definitely too strong a word), but hey it's entertaining...and is practical to you religious folks out there.  And in times like these...that might be all that really matters.

Weekly Awards

Best of the Best
Comedy Jesus "I'll Die on a Cross to Make You Laugh" Superstar OTW: Dennis Reynolds, It's Always Sunny
Imagine that a hurricane is coming to destroy your city, and civilization on the Eastern seaboard as we know it, and instead of hoarding supplies at preparing for your part in repopulating society, you are going on homicidal rants against chicks with boyfriends and nervously hitting on a news reporter with gigantic breasts and questionable journalistic integrity.  If you think this is a position you would never allow yourself to be in, then I feel sorry for you are no real life Dennis Reynolds...I can tell you that much.  And I feel sorry for you for that.

John the Baptist "I'll Show Up and Dunk Your Head in a River" Cameo OTW: Matthew Berry, The League
ESPN's fantasy football expert finally gets the call up to the TV big league with this guest spot on The League.  Funny thing is this is the same "expert" who told me to pick Michael Vick #1 overall in our holy trinity fantasy league, and now the Holy Spirit is kicking my ass.  I mean the Holy Spirit?  He isn't even a person.  You're lucky the almighty is still letting good things happen to you there Berry.  I wouldn't expect it come week 17 if this crap keeps happening.

Mary Magdalen "Promiscious Girl" OTW: The Au Pair, The League
The League's continues this week's dominance by introducing some unamed teenage girl into the best of the best awards.  Now some of you may be wondering, "what the f is an au pair?" So I'll help you.  You see "au pair" is an old, old Yiddish word for a young girl who serves as a live-in babysitter for couples with young children.  Now usually an au pairs end up descimating marriages and causing statutory rape by seducing the man of the household into unspeakable sexual acts.  However The League's au pair actually seduced one of the husband's best friends, allowing their marriage to stay intact.  Either way, it's pretty whorish/Mary Magdalen esque behavior if you ask me.

Quote OTW: "Oh Mr. Sunshine?"
-Taco, The League
I don't know what part of this quote is funnier that 1-Taco confused Matthew Berry for Matthew Perry, 2-Taco recognized Matthew Perry as Mr. Sunshine and not Chandler from friends or that guy from the movie with Bruce Willis or 3-That this quote is being written about completely out of context so you (the reader) really have no idea what the f I am talking about?  That's really a tough call...even for the Messiah of laughs (aka me).

Comedy Jesus "Top Half Dozen Apostles" Power Rankings
1) The League, FX-No Parks and Rec means this week's top spot is up for grabs.  A sexually active au pair/Matthew Berry/Andre's online dating profile (see youtube video below) means that The League is taking it home.  Enjoy it fellas...something tells me it might not last with Parks & Rec's return next week.

2) It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, FX-Y2K bunkers, pickled eggs, large breasteses, a homeless man named cricket getting shot, and severe looting and rioting?  Welcome to It's Always Sunny.  It never makes sense...but it always goes down smooth.

3) Workaholics, Comedy Central-Comedy continues this week's domination with Workaholics well earned spot at #3.  Wanna know why it's well earned?  Well...have you ever dreamed of bringing strippers to a Chucky Cheese filled with black people and getting a lap dance on some sort of enclosed slide?  Of course you have...and these guys made it a reality.  Good work boys.

4) South Park, Comedy Central-Did you see that clip earlier of Mr. Mackey crappin his trousers?  Well that alone gives South Park the number 4 spot.  Cause I'm the son of God...and that's funny to me.

5) Modern Family, ABC-Despite that whole gay/straight dude trying to smang Claire I mentioned in the intro this was a solid ep.  Phil Dunphy back on a college campus?  Manny maybe masturbating in his room (and instead hanging upside down from some sort of pole)?  Those are both good things to build on.

6) Happy Endings, ABC-The underrated follow up to Modern Fam on ABC's Wednesday night schedule cracks the rankings for the first time.  Why?  Max gives limo tours around Chi City and Mr. Brown from The Office has food on his face.  Actually I have no idea if any of these events were from this week's episode so, yeah...it's been a tough week.

Best of the Rest
Suburgatory, ABC-Look I devoted an entire introduction to this show while giving you almost no pertinent information on its characters, plot, or wtf makes it funny.  I say that's a trend I continue right here.

Worst of the Worst
Community/Parks & Rec/The Office/Whitney, NBC-No none of these shows were on this week...which is the entire GD point.  Come on NBC your ratings are tanking, your production quality is dropping, and at one point you actually thought that this would be a successful TV program.  Now you are taking your bye 5 weeks into the season?  I mean, have the Green Bay Packers taken a week off yet? No, and that's why they're the Super Bowl Champions...and you're the morons who canceled Friday Night Lights.

Comedy Judas "I'll Stab You in the Back" Comedy Traitor OTW: Mitchell & Cam, Modern Family
Look no overweight gay man on TV is funnier than Cam (not that there's anything wrong with that), and no gay-bearded lawyer is a more responsible spouse/father than Mitchell.  But when you are going home at 9 PM on a weekend, then you are lame...and not as funny as you could be.  Remember that when all you losers out there are sitting at home watching American Dad reruns next Saturday night.  Jesus said go forth...and party your face off.

May peace and laughter be with you,
Comedy Jesus Christos

In South Park, Mexicans Sneak Back Across the Border? Yeah...that Sounds About Right.

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My children,
As all of you enlighten folks out there know, South Park has recently returned for the second part of it's 15th season (somehow on Comedy Central you are able to go on a hiatus from June to October, and still return to the same season).  And after the brillance that was the humancentipad, the Canadian "royal pudding" and the crack baby athletic association that highlighted season 15 part un, it appears that season 15 part deux has met that very high precedent (even if it hasn't quite yet raised the stakes).  That's because, after mixing the Matrix, the dutch oven, and the terrible yet most hilariously named disease "Ass Burgers" into a solid season 15, part deux premier...South Park has just pulled off one of the hysterical and racially-diverse in it's 218 episode run.

That's right South Park pulled off a racial hat trick this past Wednesday, which may even be a first for famed Mormon attackers Trey Parker and Matt Stone.  Consider this.  First, they made a white 9 year old (Butters) into a heroic symbol for Mexican nationalism.  They incorporate the best Indian (aka Native American) story of all-time (The Last of the Mohicans) into a fictional US/Mexican border dispute.  Then they somehow created a practical storyline where Mexican migrant workers attempted to sneak back onto the wrong side (yes I said wrong side...and meant it) despite the US Border Patrol's best efforts to KEEP them in America. 

Now if Parker and Stone had somehow brought Canadians, the Dutch and women into this insulting/perplexing racial trifecta I would truly be in the awe.  And that's the great thing about South Park.  Just as they push the envelope farther than it's ever been...they came back later and take their insensitivity to a whole new level.  They've been doing it now for 15 years...and, with the show running through at least 2013 I don't see it stopping anytime soon.  South Park doesn't peak, it just keeps on marching on.  As always in the mountains of Colorado...there's still more hilariousness to come.

Weekly Awards

Best of the Best
Comedy Jesus "I'll Die on a Cross to Make You Laugh" Superstar OTW: Butters, South Park
We all know Butters.  Scratch that...we all knew Butters.  But now that he is a bigger superstar in Mexico than a soccer star or ruthless drug dealer, and has sparked a mass migration back across the border, Butters has taken his game to a whole new hysterical level.  And he takes home a well deserved superstar award.

John the Baptist "I'll Show Up and Dunk Your Head in a River" Cameo OTW: Jon Polito, It's Always Sunny
The best part about Jon Polito? He's been in over 100 movies, yet no one knows who the hell he is.  The second best part about Jon Polito?  He legitimately looks exactly how you'd imagined Danny Devito's brother would.  Oh and he sports a killer toupay in some flashbacks scenes in this weeks Sunny episode. More than enough to win in a weak field.

Mary Magdalen "Promiscious Girl" OTW: Shadynasty, It's Always Sunny
A black chick who hooks up with Danny Devito, Jon Polito and a large black man in a 30 minute episode of TV?  Welcome to the Shadynasty (not to be confused with shady-nasty) era on Sunny.  Jeez, not even Mary Magadalen would pull that, because her pimp (which may or may not have been me, aka the Son of God) wouldn't allow that shit...at least not for the peanuts that FX was paying that black chick.

Quote OTW: "It Feels Pretty Good to Have a Bunch of Little Boys be Super Into Me"
-Anne Perkins, Parks and Recreation
If I were a little boy, I'd be super into Anne Perkins as well.  Actually I was...because I'd already know that she'd existence and be pretty hot.  And she was fishing in my visions back then too, it just wasn't in a lake...if you know what I mean.  Yeah, I'm not sure what I mean there either.  Hey-yo!!!

Comedy Jesus "Top Half Dozen Apostles" Power Rankings
1) Parks and Recreation, NBC-Once again to be the best...you gotta beat the best.  And once again...no one did.  Especially when you consider that Anne Perkins is luring little boys with mackerels, Andy Dwyer is claiming to have a vagina, Chris is pro-creating with Jerry's daughter, and Ben is walking around in a Batman costume.  Sounds that some kind of fetish porn doesn't it?  Well, I am God so...your thinking there just disgusts me.

2) South Park, Comedy Central-Read my intro and you'll see just how amazing this episode once.  However, as I f'in wrote earlier, it was a Canadian, a Dutchman and a woman away from ripping the top spot from Parks and Recs lifeless hands.  Yeah TV comedy is like biblical war, and if you ain't killing your enemies...you ain't tryin hard enough.

3) It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, FX-Frank has a brother who does more blow than he does and smangs black chicks?  Black guys get sent to prison for 6 years for being brutally beaten with a 2 by 4?  Mac is still fat?  What the hell is happening there in Eastern Pennsylvania fellas...and Dee?

4) Workaholics, Comedy Central-Ders is the sexiest Norwegian-American beast I've created since Babe Didrikson Zaharias so him becoming a male model makes sense to me...but that doesn't mean it still ain't funny as f.

5) Modern Family, ABC-Claire is running for city council?  Phil is poisoning his own daughter?  Guncle (gay uncle...not that there's anything wrong with that) Mitchell is taking down fake ID makers?  Man today's families really do defy gender/sexual orientation roles don't they?

6) The League, FX-The League comes back after it's incredible season premier and celebrates some Jewish harvest festival.  Look I don't want to make it seem like The League's ranking dropped due to some sort of grudge I have against the Jewish people (hey it's been almost 2,000 years...I'm over it), because that's not true.  Sometimes you just drop, folks.  The League knows that now.

Worst of the Worst
Community, NBC-Look it pains to throw this show into the shittiest, poop comedy of the week category, but hey...if the shoe fits.  If I hear Abed say "I wonder what's happening in the other dimensions" one more time I'm gonna move the show to CBS and have it played after Cold Case (if that show even still exists) as punishment to the too cool for school cast.  This week's episode wasn't funny.  All you need to know.

The Judas "I'll Stab You in the Back" Comedy Traitor OTW: Sue Heck, The Middle
Look, The Middle is a perfectly fine show, which can be funny when Axel is running around in his underwear (wait...that come out wrong).  But Sue is arguably the worst character on TV.  I am not saying that women aren't funny...I think.  But when an entire episode of your show revolves around an unattractive 15 year old trying out for a cheerleading squad in rural Indiana...you need to reevaluate things.

Phil Dunphy Has Resurrected?!?!

My children,
As all of you read last week, season 3 of Modern Family has not especially started with a bang in God's eyes.  The first 2 (or really 3 if you ask Hulu) episodes have left much to be desired from my, or the divine's if you will, perspective.  Look I understand straight love, and gay love, and adopting babies, and ill-advised marriage proposals, and dog love (I am talking about beastiality here? I'm Jesus so...you be the judge) and all kinds of affection found in today's "Modern Families" which hath helped the show resonate with so many of you gay/straight/Michael Vick hating family members out there.  It's these kinds of emotions and feelings that Modern Family has capitalized on and connected with to help it became a true family favorite.  And I made human's capable of feeling these sentiments for a reason.  But that doesn't mean that I think they are funny.

Especially when they aren't counterbalanced, which was Modern's Family problem at the season's onset.  It was all fluff, no edge.  All emotion, no sarcasm.  All loving parent, no Tim McGraw in Friday Night Lights style drunk and abusive dad.  Modern Family only works when it's equal parts love/tenderness and ridiculous escapades/social commentary.  It only works when Phil Dunphy is well...Phil Dunphy.

No offense to Cam or Manny or Luke, but Phil is the one who needs to carry the borderline crazy parent angel.  Phil is the one who needs to let his son indiscriminately peg him with basketballs to try and get them onto youtube.  Phil is the one who needs to get hit by a car when he is booking across the street with some sort of ski poles.  Phil is the one who needs to act like a semi-retarded CIA agent (with a pension for getting naked in front of old ladies).  Phil Dunphy needs to be at the center of it all. 

And that's what happened Wednesday night.  Modern Family got it's bite back, because Phil came back from the dead.  It was a lot like my story in the bible...only much, much funnier/better written.  Basically, it was everything that I hoped it would be...and more.  If only I had replaced Matthew, Mark, Luke and John with Christopher Llyod and Steven Levitan when I had the chance. Then maybe I would've gotten my own ABC sitcom by now.

Weekly Awards

Best of the Best
Comedy Jesus "I'll Die on a Cross to Make You Laugh" Superstar OTW: Phil Dunphy, Modern Family
Like I said earlier, this one was an easy decision.  Phil is finally back in the Comedy Jesus 2011-2012 MVP race, but...he'll have to be drilled with a basketball more often than Simple Jack playing in the NBA to bring himself back into serious contention.

John the Baptist "I'll Show Up and Dunk Your Head in a River" Cameo OTW: Seth Rogen, The League
Seth Rogen played a porn director named Dirty Randy in the League's exquisite season premier.  Why did this character work so well?  1-Seth Rogen looks like, and could honestly be, an amateur porn director, 2-Seth Rogen looks like, and probably is, dirty and 3-Seth Rogen looks like, and could really be, a guy named Randy.  I'm not sure if any of those comments are insults or praise, but either way...they all add up to equal f'in hilariousness.

Mary Magdalen "Promiscuous Girl" OTW: Joan Callamezzo, Parks and Recreation
What does downing 5 bottles of wine, throwing yourself at Aziz Ansari, proposing a threesome with yourself, Aziz and Will Ferrell's brother Derek in Step Brothers, and having naked portraits of yourself hanging all over your bedroom say about your character?  That you are a whore with a serious drinking problem...and the possible reincarnation of Mary Magdalen herself.  Nice work Joan, you simultaneously had me laughing, crying, and sporting a half chub all at the same time.  And that is no easy hat trick to pull off on the Messiah.

Quote OTW: "Puns are as vital to the porn industry as they are to the Pet Shop Industry and the Child Hair Salon Industry
-Dirty Randy, The League
I don't watch porn, because it's wrong, and a sin...and my dad would be really mad if he caught me.  But, if you are telling me puns are involved...it might be worth the risk.

Comedy Jesus "Top Half-Dozen Apostles" TV Power Rankings
1) Parks and Recreation, NBC-Look we all know to be the best, you gotta beat the best.  And yes this may mean that Pontius Pilate actually become the best man on the planet when he beat me back around 33 AD (you know...when he had me hung from that cross thing.  Too soon?), but it also means that Parks and Rec holds onto the top spot.  Although a Modern Fam and the League were coming for it...HARD.

2) Modern Family, ABC-Easily one of the best 10 episodes in the show's three season run.  Phil is back, Cam cried and Manny made a hilarious and fairly inappropriate joke about my former people (you know...The Jews).  Modern Fam is back on track and gunning for that #1 spot.  They just gotta pull a Pilate on Parks and Rec to get it first.

3) The League, FX-The League tops It's Always Sunny for FX's show of the week?  Yeah it did.  This is what happens when you have Dirty Randy, porn shoots, Algerian soap operas and Shivalingis all incorporate into your season premier.  In many ways...that's the definition of genius right there.

4) It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, FX-In times like these I like to quench my thirst...with a delicious Wolf Cola.  Hilarious, inappropriate and kind of a good soft drink business idea all in one.  And that is only good enough for #4? Man...tough crowd this week.

5) Workaholics, Comedy Central-Anytime you can incorporate Wrestlemania with hot, Australian blonde chicks you are making a hit in my eyes.  Looks like we know what was missing from the hilarious, yet not quite as good as it could have been, film Hall Pass.

6) South Park, Comedy Central-South Park is back, Cartman is stuffing burger's into his ass to make a super dutch oven, and Stan is getting hammered drunk so he can deal with the Matrix?  Yeah...that all sounds about right to me.

Best of the Rest
Community/The Office, NBC-Both were just so-so this week.  Community was far too harsh on poor Todd (yes he has a Jew fro, but still) and The Office still is far too focused on emotions (Darryl is sad and Jim and Pam love each other...WE GET IT).  Both had their moments...just not as many as usual.

Worst of the Worst
Family Guy, FOX-You have no idea how much it pains me to write this.  I mean this is the hardest thing I've had to do in rough 1,988 years.  Look we all know that Family Guy is hilarious, but when you focus an entire episode on Mila Kunis recreating her Black Swan pyschoticness in the form of a hideously, unattractive animated character without a lesbian sex scenes with Natalie Portman...you are kind of sucking.  That's just the stone, cold dope right there.

How to be a Gentleman, CBS-I'll get back to this later, but even with Johnny Drama this show was about as entertaining as NPR or anything British people have ever put on TV.  Hello Governa, a BBC news flash...your weird, tea TV isn't funny.

The Judas "I'll Stab You in the Back" Comedy Traitor OTW: More Retarded Drama, How to be a Gentleman
Kevin Dillon reprises his role in Entourage, only this time he is more retarded, less funny and sensored by Les Moonves.  The entire time I was watching this show, I wanted to throw up in my mouth.  In fact, if Murray from Flight of the Conchords didn't make me laugh (also by playing a far less hilarious version of his HBO alter ego)...I probably would've hung my self on a cross while I was watching CBS' latest train wreck.  Get that joke?  Hey-yo!!!

May peace and laughter be with you all (well at least till next week),

Comedy Jesus Christos

Welcome To Comedy Jesus

The King of Kings...of Comedy
My Children,
As off all of you know autumn is here.  And why that may mean it's time for the leaves to begin changing colors or for metrosexuals to start covering their hickey marks with scarves  to all you sentimental folks out there, that only means one thing to the son of God...new hilariousness on television.  Yes, the new fall TV seasons have arrived, but before we take a deeper look at the new episodes appearing on the plasmas you bought instead of supporting my various churches, we must discuss the most radical change that has occurred to the TV landscape.  One of my sheep has left the flock, and...it doesn't look like he is coming back.

That's right I am talking about Michael Gary Scott, the one and only person to successfully impersonate Santa Claus and Christ himself on the same episode of a sitcom without devastating fundamentalist Christians and/or small children.  And while I acknowledge Michael has made the son of God himself laugh, cry, and nod in agreement over the past 7 years, it is now time to face the fact that he is gone.  Each and every one of us has to move on.  And...what we are moving on to might not be such a pretty sight.

Andy Bernard has taken over as regional manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton.  And while the Nard Dog might be one of the funniest and best dressed characters in the history of The Office, anyone who has seen the new season knows...it just isn't the same.  The show has come to rely on sentimental feeling and non-funny emotion like Jim's love for his wife/daughter/unborn child or Andy proving to himself that he can handle the pressure of being regional manager of the most prominent fictional, mid-sized paper company in the Northeast.  Which, pardon my french, is Bullshit. 

I mean how can you replicate the politically incorrect comments that made Michael a legend?  How can you recreate Michael's awkward exchanges that simultaneously made us want to laugh and puncture our eardrums so we wouldn't have to suffer through the socially awkward pain of listening to him anymore?  How do you integrate hot boob jobs that can make someone like Jan look like a decently paid porn star, without having Michael in the storyline? You can't.  When Andy calls Oscar a "cocker spaniel" because he is a Mexican who loves penis (not that there's anything wrong with that) it doesn't work.  It isn't the same.  And it never will be.

Now, think about this.  Can any of you out there name the second Pope of my church?  Has anyone ever said "I can't wait to meet St. Linus (was the 2nd pope a saint? I honestly don't know...you tell me) at the pearly gates" when thinking about their possible entrance to heaven?  Of course not.  It's 2011 and no one knows who the hell this Linus character is.  And I'm afraid in the year 4011 no one will know who (whom?) Andy Bernard is either.  And that's a shame.  Michael Scott may live on forever, but it has become painfully clear that his show will not.  The Office may not yet be dead, but it's dying.  And that's something even Christ himself cannot put a stop too.  Stupid free will.

Weekly Awards
(Each week Comedy Jesus will provide various awards to honor the best and the worst in TV comedy)

Best of the Best
Jesus Christ "I'll Die on a Cross to Make you Laugh" Superstar OTW: Rum Ham, It's Always Sunny
God created ham.  God created rum.  But it took a genius like Frank Reynolds (Danny Devito) to infuse the two into a 90 proof, honey glazed, chunk of meat that will simultaneously fill you belly and get you f'ed up.  If anything is worth dying at sea for...it's this wonderful creation.  And people say human ingenuity is dead.

John the Baptist "I'll Show Up and Dunk Your Head in a River" Cameo OTW #1: Ray Romano, The Middle
Everybody Loves Raymond...that's just a good show.  The Middle?  Eh...it has it's moments.  One of them being Ray Romano showing up in his ex-TV wife's tent on her honeymoon camping trip and fighting with the janitor in Scrubs for her affection.  That's what I call historical TV irony right there.

John the Baptist Cameo OTW #2: Roy Hibbert, Parks and Recreation
How do you know when a TV show has really hit its stride?  When it can make the uncoordinated starting center on the Indiana Pacers, who average a pedestrian 12.7 points and 7.5 rebounds per game, into a hilarious guest star.  Yes to be fair Roy's game has improved quite a bit during his 3 years in the league, but after this performance maybe he should give up basketball and focus on comedic acting.  Yeah...his 1.5 lines were that good.  Besides with him, Detlef Schrempf and Aziz Ansari leading the squad...a Parks and Rec bball team is probably good enough to be the #8 seed East anyways.

Mary Magdalen "Promiscuous Girl" OTW: Whitney Cummings, Whitney.
The biggest surprise of the season so far?  Whitney (the show) actually doesn't suck that much.  The second biggest surprise?  Whitney (the actress) is hot enough to dress up as a naughty nurse and turn on even the most chaste man of all-time (myself).  The third biggest surprise?  Realizing women (and men) like Whitney (the character) can be borderline sluts who get hammered drunk and sleep with dude's on the first date and still end up not being totally shitty people on TV.  I mean Mary Magdalen went from being celebrated Jewish whore to a God damn Saint who is currently enjoying all you can eat hagen daz at the heaven ice cream social so, as her (and Whitney) prove...there really is hope for each and every one of you skanks out there.

Quote OTW: "You think I'd leave my gold in a locked safe buried underground where anyone could find it? You don't know me at all."
-Ron Swanson, Parks and Rec.
This is just a good point for everyone out there who doesn't trust banks and turns all their money into gold...like my boy Ron Swanson. 

Comedy Jesus "Top Half-Dozen Apostles" TV Show Power Rankings
1) Parks and Recreation, NBC-Officially takes the throne from The Office and cements its status as the funniest show on television.  No the show hasn't quite hit a home run yet this season, but with Leslie running for city council, Tom paying models and semi-talented/famous NBA players to hang out with him and Ron chugging pure mash liquor and defeating 2 Tammy's in one fatal swoop...Parks and Rec will be doing big things all year. Trust me...that's just a f'in fact.

2) It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, FX-What's happened on It's Always Sunny so far this year?  Well (besides the glory of the rum ham you read about earlier) Charlie puked blood, a hooker died as Frank (Danny Devito) was proposing to her, we all witnessed two bums banging each other under the boardwalk at the Jersey Shore, Dennis and D smoked angel dust, robbed a liquor store and became accomplices in the murder of a doctor, and Frank talked to a mortician about banging dead bodies in front of an entire child beauty pageant the gang was hosting.  Nuff said.

3) Modern Family, ABC-Always a strong contender, but I've been mildly disappointed by the show's start to the season.  Too much feeling and sentiment, which is not what comedy is about.  Also the whole Dylan storyline was just too ridiculous.  I mean being stupid is only funny for so long, trust me I know. I was put in the special reading class in 1st grade because I opened our Hebrew book the right way and read it from left to right like I knew people would do in the future (you know...because I am Jesus?).  Modern Fam is still hilarious, but it's just not in #1 or #2's class...yet.

4) The Office, NBC-Still hanging on because of Andy Bernard defacing his left butt cheek with a puppy dog tattoo and Robert California possibly being the third most charasmatic leader of all-time (behind myself...and a John F. Kennedy/Bill Clinton/Barrack Obama hybrid I am currently creating. A Catholic, unfaithful spouse who loves McDonalds and just happens to be 1/2 black? That's the future of American political leaders right there)

5) Community, NBC-As long as Chevy Chase continues making racist/gender discriminating comments...Community is on the right track.  After all...I just think that sort of stuff is hilarious.

6) Workaholics, Comedy Central-Still flying under a lot of people's radar, Workaholics probably should be higher based on it's constant theme of substance abuse/how funny that theme is.  However, the guys going sober in this week's episode hurt the show.  I mean I turned water into wine for a GD reason fellas.

Best of the Rest
Two and a Half Men, CBS-Ashton Kutcher has been surprisingly funny as a more socially awkward/intelligent version of Michael Kelso.  Add that in with cut screen time for that awkward looking man-child Jake, and 2.5 men is as strong as ever.  My only problem with the new show?  Charlie Sheen will never die.  I can promise you all that.

The Middle, ABC-See the Ray Ramano entry above.  I don't care what you all say...that is one pretty funny dude right there.

Worst of the Worst
Two Broke Girls, CBS-I know I gave Whitney Cummings some pub earlier, but this show is painful to watch.  It's like The Simple Life if Paris Hilton somehow became worse at acting and Nicole Richie somehow became even less physically attractive.  The fact that people, people I CREATED, actually like this show baffles me.

How I Met Your Mother, CBS-When the hell is Ted gonna meet the mother of his kids?  How long can this storyline really go on?  As God I know how it's gonna end...and even I am sick of it.

The Judas "I'll Stab Greatness in the Back" Comedy Traitor OTW:  Barney, How I Met Your Mother
Look Neil Patrick Harris, quit trying to convince people that you aren't a 14 year-old doctor who is great at performing emergency c-sections.  Embrace the type cast...and quit providing the comedy relief on a middling CBS comedy. You're better than that...we've all seen it.  After all...you were the youngest M.D. who ever lived.

Back with more next week.

May Peace and Laughter Be With You,
Comedy Jesus Christos